Sadness

A friend of mine contacted me this weekend because she thought she was miscarrying. We've lent what support we could over the past few days and hope she and her husband were helped by what Dan and I said. Today, though, I found myself a little extra sad as I remembered my experience with our first little one and how it felt to lose him (we never found out sex, I just don't like to use "it"). I had trouble deciphering whether I felt sad because I was recalling our experience or whether I was sad at the joy that was stolen from our friends. I know when I got pregnant with Penny just a few short weeks after my miscarriage, I kept stopping myself from getting overjoyed because I was afraid I might lose another baby. I never allowed myself to get as overjoyed as I was when I discovered our first passenger. It pains me that someone else might have to go through that feeling of tentative, fearful joy.

I was really glad our friend reached out to us, though. I remember that one of the hardest parts was feeling SO alone and helpless. Sure, we were in England, far from family and friends. More importantly, I didn't know anyone who had gone through a miscarriage before (or so I thought). Shortly after the worst of the physical stuff, I called a family member who was a doctor for advice and got way more support than I expected since she had lost more than one little one. I was never so glad Dan forced me to make a phone call. When we had a chance to confirm our loss, I did not want to tell anyone. We hadn't told anyone we were pregnant, so way start with bad news? Again, Dan insisted and I am grateful to him. When we told our families the sad news, I found that miscarriage is fairly common, it is not my fault, and there were even more people I could have talked to. I found out I almost had an older sibling, among other revelations. Our family members were sad for us, but it felt better talking out our feelings. Over time, I felt ok enough with my grief to not keep the miscarriage a secret from people beyond family. Lots of women do keep it secret, so I wanted people to know I was a person willing to talk if they needed it. I am glad now again because maybe I have helped a friend somewhat with her fear and grief.

It's hard knowing what to say, though. It's such a deeply personal sadness, even when it is shared. I was talking to another friend today who had miscarried (sometimes a supporter needs support too) and we both agreed it took a while to heal emotionally. Penny came along quite soon after my miscarriage. It was tough getting excited at first, but as time passed and it looked like she'd hang around, her presence helped make the acute anguish go away. I still had a total panic attack at six or seven months when I didn't feel her squiggling for most of a day. I bottled it up and Dan AGAIN insisted we do something. When we finally got to the hospital and heard her heartbeat, she was fine and I was feeling better. At random moments I might think of our first little guy and get sad, but I have Penny to remind me that it doesn't happen every time and we have someone wonderful because we didn't get discouraged.

I am also incredibly grateful to have such a wonderful husband to go through all this with. In talking with other women about miscarriage, not everyone is as lucky as I am. Dan is an incredible emotional support for me: not because he's some kind of rock but because he knows and articulates what he's feeling, he reads my emotions really well and he knows when he needs to stop and take care of me. I don't like to deal with my emotions or show them in front of people, so these are really key skills. He refused to count the little guy out until I'd gone to see the doctor. He cried with me when we got to the point where we admitted we'd lost the baby and we had a prayer service for him. He knew something was not quite right with me that day when Penny didn't squiggle and turned around, came back in the house and asked me what was wrong, then insisted on going to the hospital instead of his study session. When he suggested that maybe I should be the one talking to our friend who miscarried, that seemed silly because he was the one who helped me get through it and I wouldn't deprive her of that support.

In any case, I feel blessed to have so many people there to support us then and now. And I am glad that our sad experience has equipped us to help our friends when they needed it.